If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
