we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
