I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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