it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
