trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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