theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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