I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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