Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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