Your dad touched me again.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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