Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
