I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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