I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
