I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
