On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
