i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
