Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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