both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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