Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
