you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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