A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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