She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
