Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
