I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
