You're my little dorito
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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