When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
