I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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