I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
