My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
