Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
