you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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