Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
