Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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