dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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