....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize