Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
