i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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