i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
