Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
