WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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