Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
