my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
