i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
