I need to stop coming to work sober
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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