so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
