I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
