guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Only a mothe r could love this liver
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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