should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
