Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
