Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
