Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
