you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
