i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
