He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
