There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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