Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
