The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Houston, we have a blender
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
