I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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