I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize