In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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