The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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