This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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