we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just found a bag of teeth...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize