Where did you get a picture of my penis
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
