is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
