YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
