She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
