I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
