This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize